Have you ever been lied to?

HI!! Yes, I am still around. Life got in the way of blogging there for a little bit. 

A friend sent me this video today and I thought you all would enjoy it. I know we have all been there....."Oh baby I am Wayne Gretzky of sexual stuff, I'm the Indiana Jones of diving muff" or for guys that chick that has huge awesome hooters and then you get her home and realize Oh! Its just 5lbs of push up padding pushing up 1 ounce of boobage. This is one artists take on it.

With out further ado Allegic's version of "I will Survive" (I have been told she didn't write it just preformed it) She has embedding turned off on all her videos so you have to click and watch it via YouTube =( Please leave comments if you are entertained it helps her Artist Ego and hopefully it will cause her to do more dirty songs for us to enjoy.

I Will Survive (adult)

At first I was afraid,
I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches
Lord, I almost died.
But I'd spent so many nights
just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong,
And I knew that I could take you on. . .

But there you are,
Another lie!
I was ready for a Big Mac
and you've brought me a French fry.
I should have known it was so small,
Just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those jeans.

Go on now go,
Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches
then turn up with only 4,
Weren't you a jerk to think I wouldn't notice it pop out,
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?

I will survive,
I will survi-ive,
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex.
I will survive,
I will survive. . hey, hey!

It took all my self control
not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener
standing small and proud.
But too bad about your ego
and to Hell with all your needs!
Now I'm saving all my lovin'
for a cordless multispeed

Go on now go,
Just make a dash,
Last time I saw a dick that small I was treating diaper rash!
I should have asked for confirmation,
Should have asked for pictures, please!
Then I wouldn't have you waving that
wee winkie thing at me.

Go on now go,
Just hit the track,
Don't you bring me home no little worm,
I'll always throw them back.
The only thing that I could do with a dick as small as yours,
Is to stick it with a tooth pick And then call it an hors d'oeuvre!

I will survive,
I will survi-ive,
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex.
I will survive,
I will survive. . .hey, hey!

PSA: Shipping

I was asked to ship Brandi's rather large collection of personal pleasure items to her after her move across the country. Today I finally ventured out to the post office. I get there and she has already boxed everything up and addressed it for me. (Such a good friend) However when I get to the counter the nice Post Office man hears a broken glass noise and suggests I open the box and make sure nothing is broken so they don't get blamed ect. Also he suggested that I switch boxes on one of the packages to save about $8. I really didn't want to because of the content of these and the hard time I have getting to the post office. However he pressured me about the "broken glass" and so I grabbed a flat rate box and scooted over to the side of the counter to switch everything out. All goes well until I bump the old box and knock it on to the floor, spraying the contents all over. Thankfully there were only the 2 employees and 1 other customer in the area. Totally heard the two employees chuckle at me. I did find out what was causing the "Broken Glass" noise.....A ben wa ball had escaped from its container and was rolling around the box.
When I went back up to the counter the man who had been helping me before told me, "Hunny don't be embarrised. I have worked for the Post Office for 31 years I have seen MUCH MUCH worse."  I wish I had asked for a story....Oh well maybe next time.

~Sigh~

What have we learned??
Always pack your personal items securely and before you get to the post office.

I just spent $50 on a pillow

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

What do you say?

It has been brought to my attention that it is about time for another installment of "Thats what he said" So here we go......Any and all silly, serious and just random questions you have for our guy panel please just post in a comment here or send me an email (Its on my profile). Also if you would like to be a part of our guy panel shoot me an email and I will set that up. =) In about 2 weeks expect to see the questions and answers in another awesome post. 

So get to it, what do you want know?

For Our Male Readers

Really quick before I pass out for the night I wanted to direct anyone who is interested over to Nanny at naughty mommy reviews. She is hosting a giveaway for a Tenga Double Hole Sleeve from Babeland. What brings this up?? Well I was at our local adult store and I saw a few guys look at one of these and they were commenting on the price. I remembered that SOMEONE had a giveaway going on at the moment but couldn't remember who. I gave them a business card for B&B hoping they check it out.

Anyway I love passing on free stuff and giveaways, PLUS Pimping other bloggers that I LOOOOVE! So go enter!

That is all for now. I'm going to bed. Hopefully an In My Mailbox tomorrow for you to enjoy, since both Brandi and I got some awesome stuff this past week.

Straws?

I know this is a little off theme but have any of you ever gone to Panera and ordered a smoothie??

Yesterday I did for the very first time. Smoothie was good, straw disturbed me a little bit. I mean LOOK at that thing. It's like the size of two of my fingers put together. I took one sip, looked directly and Brandi and said "I feel like I am sucking a small penis" To which she laughed and made the "POP" noise at me every time I took a drink after that.

I decided that I should write a little note to the Panera Co. (Not actually going to send it but you can read it for kicks and giggles)

Dear Sir or Madam,
            I am writing concerning the straws you have for your smoothies. Have you ever tried to sip out of one of these? I feel almost indecent while using this. I understand that it is a food item and there for I can't really ask that the straw in question buy me dinner before I put my mouth on it, however on any other occasion I would have. This large straw greatly reminds me of a small penis. My mouth even gets a cramp in it from the strenuous sucking I must do to enjoy my drink. Thankfully the drink is sweet and enjoyable once it gets to my mouth. The least that could be done is make the straw in question a little larger so at least I don't feel like it is a pity suck, give me something of substance to put my lips around.

Sincerely,
R

I might tweak it a bit but you get the idea. Till next time

We have a winner!!

1. Big HUGE congrats to Maria!! Hope she has fun with her new toy...once I get it in the mail.


2. I have my dedicated man servants working on those questions that you ladies left for them. Hopefully I will have that blog up for you in the next few days. I can't wait to see what they have to say.

3. Time for shameless promotion.....I have been asked to contribute to another blog with a few other very lovely ladies. So if you get a chance or are just REALLY bored feel free to check out my latest venture Toys for Sex

That's what HE said!

Ever had a guy say "Girls are so hard to understand" or "I just don't GET you". Well I know that I personally think that about males sometimes too. So if you had a guy that would answer any question honestly what would you ask??

I have two guest contributors that have two different out looks with very different backgrounds and  experiences. So lets play 20 questions......


*In a Johnny Gilbert style voice* Now lets meet our men!
First we have "Heff Jr" he is a 27yr old college graduate who has no problem attracting the ladies. Heff Jr claims to have "dated", aka put his penis in, just about every type of girl out there. He is a self proclaimed recovering playboy.  I do have to say that I have known him personally for quite sometime and that recovering part is true. 

Next we have "ClaireBear" he is a 22yr old  who went straight in to the work force after high school. He has a romantic attitude when it comes to relationships. Despite having limited experience with dating and intimacy he has a good view on what he wants and enjoys. 


Please submit your questions in the comments section. Feel free to ask more then one and be as serious and politically correct or raunchy and gutter-rific as you want. I will choose the best cross section of 20 questions to be answered by both contributors. That post will be up on June 14th, so please have all questions in by June 13th.

I can't wait to see what you all come up with!

Let me tell you.....

I was having a talk the other day with a dedicated reader and they mentioned that the name of this blog is Sexcapades but Br and I never seem to have any juicy stories. I am here to fix that. Just a little tid bit to keep you all entertained while we think of something better to write about.

It was late 2002 right after Halloween. I had just met this guy at a party and decided to chill with him one day after work. Really I only wanted to get laid. Being the first encounter with this boy we had all the normal pre-requisites for a college hookup....TV on, door closed, lights low. Things progress exactly as expected and I was delighted. Until we flip from girl on top to missionary position. You see instead of flipping left to right or rolling, I laid back and he moved to top. So this put his feet on the pillow and my head almost off the end of the bed. The vigorous pumping caused me to start to slide off the bed so I put my hand back over my head to steady myself on the wall. However it wasn't a wall.....it was his dresser which had a rather large mirror attached. This poor piece of furniture was not of the best quality and the vigorous pumping caused the supports on the mirror to break. I heard the crack and tried to look up to see what happened, boy looked up and then covered my head with his arms and kind of shoved me under him. It all happened so fast I had no idea what was going on. Next thing I know he hollars, not even words just yelling in pain. I can feel wet dripping on my chest. Which turned out to be blood from his broken nose. What happened was the mirror broke off the dresser and slid down on to the bed. Boy covered me with his body (Like he wasn't already har har) to protect me from the mirror. This caused him to get hit directly in the face by the edge of it, breaking his nose.
What a great first hook up! Don't worry we made up for it after letting his face heal, double black eyes don't really do it for me.

Did you say Tenga??

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

We are slackers but I went shopping!!

Wow I didn't notice till today that Brandi and I have been HUGE slackers over here. I know she has been swamped with school work and other stuff, and I have been trying to do that whole "be an adult, real life" thing. So I apologize wholeheartedly. Now on to the good stuff.

I am super excited! I know we like to promote Good Vibrations as much as possible on here and I'm sure this is a HUGE faux pas but I'm gonna do it anyway..... I was shopping around over at Eden Fantasys. Holy cow do they have some awesome deals right now!!  I am going to share, I guess this is kinda like the "In my mailbox" that some bloggers do, but they haven't arrived in my mailbox yet and I am to excited to wait.

 This little guy is the Eden Fantasys High Intensity Bullet. This is a free gift they are offering right now if you are a friend of them, or "like" them on Facebook. Clicky Clicky Here! I got one of these babies in my last order and gave it away to a friend. Damn this thing is like any other bullet I have ever seen but on speed.

This is another free gift they are offering right now. Every order gets a free gift and right now this is it. I don't know how I feel about this one. It might end up as a "giveaway" if it gets here and I am feeling generous. Anyway this is the G-Fun G-Spot Viberator. I think you can only get it in pink and it is only available till the 27th. That is when they are changing the offers.

This is the whole reason I even went to the site. I asked Brandi the other day if she wanted to take a trip to the toy store since we haven't been in about a month and to celebrate her finishing classes. She suggested I go on line to Eden Fantasys because they always have SUPER deals. Damn was she right! Just for being a friend on facebook I got the super tiny vibey, the GIANT lube with a pump and a coupon for a discount on the whole damn lot! I love the internet!! Anyway this is ID Glide Orginal Lube. You see my lady bits are super picky when it comes to what goes in, on or near her at all. I have tried other lubes and basically she hates them and then punishes me because I am the one who subjected her to it. Not fun at all! This stuff is water based, has no cool tricks (I.E. it doesn't cool or warm or tingle or do your taxes) but damn it, it gets the job done and that is what I like. Plus I got this HUGE bottle for cheap online! Woot Woot!

                                             Until next time.......

 *photograph used was found on the eden fantasys website, no copywrite infringment was intended, just an example the products. I am not paid or compensated at all for this blog, this is my own opinions. I am not affiliated with Eden Fantasys or any other company mentioned in this entry*

Condoms, condoms, condoms...

Just going to grumble here a little bit. Why does Big B get the awesome fun stuff and I get CONDOMS to review?? I see some shenanigans afoot. *shifty eyes*
Well enough grumbling and on with the show. I can't whine to much I did have some fun with them. Our friends over at Good Vibrations  sent us this nifty pack of condoms. Let me just admit right now I did not get to test them in the fashion they were intended for, however I did improvise.

These are the Try Me 12-pack Condom Gift Set

Does what’s on the outside matter?  It does on the Try Me 12 Condom Gift Pack.  The Try Me Gift Pack dares you to unwrap your adventurous side with twelve lubricated latex condoms individually packaged in boxes illustrating a different male-female sexual position.  Interactive in more ways than one,  The Try Me 12 Pack invites you to go online and rate the degree of difficulty of the positions, and share stories of how it worked (or didn’t) for you and your partner!  The premium condoms are durable and suitable for all of your exotic erotic adventures, and the fun packaging makes this the perfect playful gift for you and your partner.

8 ½” x 11” box with 12 individually packaged condoms.
Individual condom box: 2 ½” x 2 ½”. (6.35cm x 6.35cm).

 Well now! I really enjoyed the packaging and that is the main selling point of these condoms. They came in a large flat box so you could see most of the individual boxes. 1 big box, with 12 little boxes inside it and each little box has a normal wrapped condom inside it. The little boxes each had a different position suggested on it. On the back of the large box was a cute disclaimer "Not every position is right for every couple. Please know your limitations."

 Some of the positions were interesting......"The Bird Feeder", "The Fosse" both are worth trying out. However others fall in to the same old same old category......."The Humpback Whale" aka Doggy style or "The Hallmark Moment" aka sitting and facing each other.
Then there is the "I want my mommy" I wish I had a picture of this package for you. The female is up against the wall holding the male. I just don't get it. I showed several other people and no one can fathom it actually working.(I just noticed it is on the bottom row in the picture above, orange box)
Also they encourage you to go to the website and rate the positions you could perform. 
Cons: Lots of time consuming packaging.

These condoms aren't just cute packaging. We tested these things with true proven juvenile techniques. First we blew it up like a balloon. No leaks, and it got HUGE!

Then the "fist-ing" This is where I was impressed. As you see in the photo this is a full grown man's hand. The condom was first put over the hand and then all five fingers were stretched out. No breaking. Then the fingers were pulled back into a fist and the base of the condom was pulled all the way down the forearm. The rolled end finally tore when it was pulled over the elbow. IMPRESSIVE considering I don't know a man on earth that would attempt these feats in "normal use."  
Cons: The first condom we tested claimed to be lubricated, as did all the others in the package. It was not. However the 2nd tested condom did have lubrication. Maybe #1 was just a fluke.
Also they claim to be ultra-thin. When compared to a normal condom of another brand they appear to be the same. This is both with touch and by sight. 

 

Over all I think this package is a cute idea, especially if you are going to be giving it as a gift. I.E. Shower, Bachelor or Bachelorette. 

That is all for now, hopefully we will have more reviews and stories for you next time.

Ménage à trois

Origin

This is a French term, literally a 'household of three', that has made its way into English. The meaning that applies to a one-off sexual liaison rather than a domestic arrangement is also known as a threesome. 

 

 

 All this past week Random Girl has been talking about threesomes. This got me thinking about my past experiences with them. I have had 3. She covered all the different combination's you can have. I have only experienced one of the types, that is the FMF. Maybe someday I will try a MMF but I don't see that as being very likely or in the near future so enjoy what I have for you now.

I was young for my first experience. A male (he is not worthy to be called a man but was definitely grown to be considered more then a boy) I was dating invited another girl into our play. This was okay with me. She and I both had the hots for him and were friendly with each other. I think this is the best dynamic I have ever been involved with. I know personally I did not end up feeling neglected at all and this particular experience gave me my first time with a female. Being the youngest, and least experienced of the group, I let them lead and show me how it was done. Communication was amazing! It probably helps that I enjoy being instructed and learning. We met several times over the coming months and I would definitely rank it as one of my more favorite time periods sexually. The thoughts of J, the way she touched, felt, tasted still are stored in the "bank" for my use.  

My second time was several years later. A former boyfriend contacted me and asked if I would be interested in joining in with his girl friend at the time. I was bored so I agreed. This time around I was the "old hand" as neither of them had done anything like this before. The dynamic was VERY different. The GF took the submissive role and I had to be teacher. However it was very obvious that the GF was not totally comfortable. She was there to please him and only touched me with frigid fingers. Shied away from my initiated contact with her.  Looking back at it I almost feel bad for her. This feeling is brought about mostly by my third experience. I still socialize with both of them and believe that since we have become better friends things would be better/easier. Also knowing the type of person she is now I would not put her in that situation.

Finally my third try. ~sigh~ This is my regrettable one. Live and learn right? I was seeing a man and he asked if I would be willing to bring in a second female. SURE! I had, had relative success in the past and it would make him happy. So the hunt began. From the very beginning it was awful for me. Always judging "what about her? Is she good enough for you?" and pushing "Just ask, we have to try or it will never happen." Plus I had to do all the work. "Well you are the female, it's easier for another girl to talk to you."  Then came the deadline. He is a very goal oriented person, generally in life that is a good thing. Not so much when dealing with females. He was bound and determined to find someone by the last day of the month. So all efforts were doubled. Finally via the lovely interwebz he found a willing participant who met the criteria. I was so fed up with the whole thing I just wanted it over with. He picked her up and brought her home one day that we had all agreed upon. She was so young! I actually asked for ID because she was so young looking. The amount of awkward was suffocating. Again I took the lead.....light kissing, easy petting. This gradually lead into heavier stuff and being the nice girl I am, she finally came. I was hoping this would calm her down a little bit and relax her. She seemed a little 'Big doe eyed scared shitless.' Oh it did calm her down, right to sleep. Which left me and my man to handle ourselves...umm...ourselves. I find the outcome amusing, but frustrating all the same. Gladly that relationship ended shortly there after. 

 

So there you have it boys and girls, my three stories about group sex. I hope you all enjoyed and see you next time.      

The awkward ground of the...dun dun dun... first time

Now I'm not talking about the big V-card. I'm sure anyone reading this has at least one experience under their figurative belt. What is on my mind today is the first time with a new partner. I know I know we all (well we are at least taught that all of us) are supposed to have ONLY one first time, one partner ever. Lets deal with it, as Big B put it to me the other day.....We are in the age of try it before you buy it.

So how do you handle that first time with a new partner? I know for me there are so many things going on not only in my head but that anxious buzz in my entire body. Here are my tips:

A) Give clear and precise signs.  ~ You know yourself, newbie doesn't. If you HATE something don't let newbie stumble upon it. That could be a deal breaker, do not pass go do not collect booty.

B)Don't be afraid to be vocal.~ In the heat of foreplay I know I can't tell the difference between a squirm away and a "I like that too much" squirm. Speak up so that you get what you want you never know your partner might enjoy it more being told exactly what works. 

C) Read the signs! ~ Lord knows that we are all self conscious. Don't forget to think about the other person. If you want clear signs give them out too. No fair leaving the new kid in the dark. 

D) BE SAFE have that talk, be prepared! Who hasn't had that experience where each expects the other to be prepared and have protection? 

E) Don't expect them to be someone they are not. Just because Dave starts with a D, he isn't going to be just like your last guy who was named Doug. That goes for everything though. New person means new experiences so let it happen and don't hold yourself back because of what has happened in the past.

F) Take your time! No need to rush. Enjoy the new/strange feelings and you never know you might learn something about yourself. 



I guess that is all for me this time. Good Luck and defeat that awkward!

Themes....

Hello again

I know it has been a few days since you have seen anything from us and this weekend was a good one for me ;-) That isn't what Im going to share with you lovelies today though. Don't pout to much, I'm still getting used to putting it all out there, I'm sure the dirty stuff will come. (tee hee hee) I really just had a question for the masses. Would you attend a lingerie party? If so how far would you go in attire? Personally I think it would be a grand time if hosted correctly. There is always that chance for it to sway to the "awkward turtle" or "bad frat party."
Just something that had been on my mind lately.....

Putting it all out there...

*Clears throat* Hello there, I am little B. Figure we should differentiate between us and since she is slightly older then me I will refer to my self as little B or b.

To start things out on a light note, boudoir photos. I recently discovered that B is an amazing photographer. I'm sure you noticed the photos for our background and banner. Those were all taken by B herself. When we did mine it was an awesome event. Went and found some cheap flirty lingerie and then just laughed our way though about 2 hours of my best friend taking risque pictures of me.

Here is the point : I HIGHLY recommend doing this type of photo shoot. I had been wanting to do this forever for my ex. I mean really what woman hasn't thought "I would love to be a pin up"? So get a friend, or a tri-pod or hell even go all out and hire someone. I had a stack of business cards that I picked up at the local adult store that photographers had left advertising this exact type of shoot. DO IT! That day made me feel amazing. When we were done I felt like a mix of pure sex and I-am-woman-hear-me-roar.